I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
