your thong is hanging out like whoa
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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