These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
