How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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