Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
