He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
