the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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