man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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