Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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