Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
