I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
