Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
