My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
