i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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