I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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