i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We're too hungover to prance.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
