It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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