her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
