I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
