If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
