I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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