if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
