just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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