I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
