On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
