Please, let me fuck your mom
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
