Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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