So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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