Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
