i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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