I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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