He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
