I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
