So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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