How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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