Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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