Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
