I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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