My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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