I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
