I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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