Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
