you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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