youre lurking in front of me
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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