Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
