omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Randomize
