I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
