I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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