I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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