Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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